my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fuck appropriateness.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
