Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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