Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
