This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
