Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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