I'm so fucking centered right now
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
