Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There was a lot of him and a little penis
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
