Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
