The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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