Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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