it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
