There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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