it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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