mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
