I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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