Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
