I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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