you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
