the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
