so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
