So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
