Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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