Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
