I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
