I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
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Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
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My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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