Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
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