Dual....:-)
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
