I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
