I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
