Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
