I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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