You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
