I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize