You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
