what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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