are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
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