Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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