I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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