I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online