Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
