my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
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Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.