just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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