I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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