At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Randomize
