Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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