True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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