standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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