I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
