So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
