PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
