I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also, beer. Big fan.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
