Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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