So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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