i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
