i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
