Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
