just come out here and I will go home with you...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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